Illusions

hooray, more fanfic!

2005-08-18T06:10:31Z

You know, to tell the truth, this story came from me having indegestion. XD. I was like "My insides are falling out" and well...yeah, that's how this all started.

ON WITH TEH STORY!
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We're on a rooftop, the cement so very hard against my feet.

I'm a thousand and one pounds suddenly and I'm just waiting to fall through the floor to my death. You're in front of me with your lips moving in mute. I'm not paying attention. I already know the harsh words of rejection spilling around the soles of my shoes to swallow me whole. My insides are falling out. The stinking, rotting flesh is burning holes in the floor, making room for the rooftop sunlight to pour in and pierce the skulls of the people downstairs. A million babies mixed with seniors would have to die in order for the world to feel how I do as you drown me with your poisoned words.

Only moments ago, I held out my heart for you to take. You smiled and promptly threw it over the ledge to collapse onto the cement. Why can't anyone see it's blood splattered all over the classroom windows? Why do the track kids keep running? Why are the birds still singing and the clouds still moving while the rain is still pouring and the tears are just not flowing?

Because it hasn't happened yet.

I'm in my seat listening to our instructor slowing drone on to make us into robots for eternity, obeying corporate America in the Nazi uniform of khakis and button downs. Your black black hair and your thin thin neck are filling my view with the image of pale perfection. The black's artificial, the eye color is artificial. Already, you're becoming mechanical, and I'm sure that when I do take you up to the rooftop after school, my insides will indeed fall out to burn holes in the roof where the light will pour down to puncture everyone's skulls. They'll slip and slide, trying to figure out why their brains are mixed with intestines and watery light.

My stomache's already aching for release. The release that will come in the form of "I love you" and the toxin that will surely spill from your lungs to cripple my profession.

Oh, how I love you, my sweet, sweet downfall.

New one-shot!

2005-08-11T06:05:20Z

Yes! Yet another short drabble about no one! this one was actually written out of creativity instead of just boredom, so it should be better than the last few. Enjoy!

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Breeding inside you, like insects on humid nights. Your emotions. They just can’t be contained anymore. I’ve tried to help, but somehow, you’ve danced out of the range of my fingertips. My bleeding, callused fingertips. You loved them so much. You said they made you think of the sand at the beaches back home. The sand you could just sink into and not worry about getting sunburn because you knew it would protect you.

I can’t protect you.
You have a monster inside.
Your ribs a literal cage.

You’ve cried so many tears. You’ve made your own lake for fish to swim in. A lake to drown yourself in. I never dared a trek into it. I knew I would watch my life float to the surface if I did. I’ve tried to find you, to call to you and pull you out of your death from the safety of a far off shore, but I could never reach. I’m too afraid. I’m afraid of the creatures that haunt your dreams and swim in your veins while you try to pour their contents onto the floor.

I scream in the night, but you never wake up.
I shake and pull, but you’re still held captive by Queen Maab.
You only wake when the song of the bird flies.
I scream for you.

You say your dreams are so wonderful. You die in every one. However, you say your favorites are the ones where we both disintegrate into the ground. I would blow bubbles in my blood and drink kerosene with you if you wanted it. The only way I’ll die is if you do. We’ll go together someday. We’ll go to the world you created full of oceans and dead forests where the orcs lurk, and I won’t be afraid.

Because you’ll be there too.
And I’ll have to protect you.

Maybe this is the price to pay for falling in love while in a psyche ward.

about those fanfics

2005-08-01T17:53:05Z

Ahoy! Those fanfics were alreay posted on the Anime Club website, but I have a feeling that everyone there doesn't care. So, who ever DOES care, can read them there and here. It's funny, I posted all thise fics in about five minutes, but my mood changed for each one. yay mood swings! Anyway, if anyone would like to, go ahead and have a gander at the ficcies. not my best work, but I like them. Please send me comments on them.

Okies!
bai-ai!
^_^

Good Morning Sunshine

2005-08-01T17:47:35Z

oh GASP! Another story NOT about Frank and Gerard! What's the world coming to?! Actually, this story could be about any fictional character that doesn't already exist >.>

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Goodmorning sunshine, how was your sleep?
Was I comfy?
You curled up next to me strangely enough reminded me of an armidillo.

Goodmorning sunshine, you're still fast asleep.
I hope Queen Maab gave you sweet dreams.
I can't stand it when you have nightmares.
You curl up in the corner of my room, the sound your small sobs and dry heaves dift through my whole house, coating everything in a thick coat of sad thoughts.

Goodmorning sunshine, I know why you can't rest.
Your nightmares are so frequent, because you were trapped in a well.
A well so deep, it took a whole minute to hear a stone drop.
I was sitting on the ledge of it, when your cute little head poped out, scratched and bruised from climbing up that oh so long rope. I grabbed you by the shoulders and placed you in my lap so very gently, rocking you to sleep as we waited for sirens.

Goodmorning sunshine, do you remember the first time we fell asleep together?
The light dyed you pink and teal.
Your whole body seemed to shine.
I couldn't help but kiss those soft lips.

Goodmorning sunshine, you're all bundled up.
Safely tucked inside the sheets mixed with my arms.
You nose fits so perfectly into my collar.
Your black hair making shapes of hearts and swirls across my floor.
You always liked to sleep on the floor.
The bed was too cliche'.

Goodmorning sunshine, I hope to brighten your day.
You can be lost in me for all time, while I swim in the vast ocean of your tea colored eyes.
You're my little teddy bear, al covered in imaginary fluff.
You almost strangled me the first time I told you that.

Goodmorning sunshine, my love from a well.
I'll never ever let you be sad and lonely.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.
You hate that song, but I love you all the same.

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~

I feel like I should've made this a poem....

What's the worst that I could say?

2005-08-01T17:44:18Z

Oh gasp! A story about a hetero couple! No one in particular btw. Also a semi-songfic. I'm sorry, I hate songfics too, but I just wanted to write one. >_< stupid hipocritical-ness!

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What's the worst that I could say?
So many people do it nowadays. You know.

Having affairs.

It's so terribly common that I'm not even that surprised to find you naked in our bed with a twenty year old. Oh gasp, I'm twenty five, obviously too old to satify your sexual needs. You're older than me remember, by how much? Oh yes, five years. But you know what? It's ok.

Things are better if I stay.

You see, our love faded such a long time ago that your lush hair and lips and rather whorish appearence doesn't even do anything for me anymore. I don't hate you though. It's not your fault. I was the one who was foolish and proposed to you after only five months. I should have known better. We can "still be friends".

So long, and goonight

Even as your new lover is scrambling past me in all his exposed glory, I'm just staring at you, not even listening to your excuses. You get up to reach for me, but since I'm already moving towards my closet, you miss. I'm packing away my things. I'll go find a cheap hotel and some vodka. My life will be saved.

And if you carry on this way, things are better if I stay

You're still calling me as I slide into the leathery confines of a cab. The car's yours, so I don't want it. I'll see you again, just later, after you're pregnant with one of your boy toy's babies. It'll undoubtebly happen. I know this has been going on for three months now, a new boy every night. Too bad, I really did love you before. Maybe I can go find some chick in a bar, or maybe even some boy, depending on how drunk I am. But don't worry, the slump won't last for long. The wedding bands will be lost in my sink, and the pictures of you burned in the trash. I'll be happy again soon. i don't know if I can say the same for you.

So long, and goodnight

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~

I might actually continue this *cough the chick could be Jaime, the dude Frank, and then he could go to a bar and meet Gerard *cough cough*

XD

Opinions anyone?

Every starfall brought you to tears again

2005-08-01T17:38:02Z

hee....more fan fic. Title is the subjest name from now on. Again, this could be anyone you want it to be about.

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Your window's open. It always is. Everynight when I walk past your house, it's open. My name is ------ and I'm in love with you.

Everyday, we see eachother four times. You come into my work, a comic book store, and read the same book everyday. I can't read it. It's in Japanese. You're a Jersey boy, but you already mastered the Japanese language at 18.

I only know your age because when I walked past your house there were birday balloons outside with 18 printed on it, and you were sitting on the fire escape to your apartment with a birthday hat on.

The second time we cross paths is at the convienence store, convienently name Wawa. We both bought tavern ham and American cheese. We apparently have the same taste in....well, taste.

The third time is when you're smoking on your fire escape, contemplating your day. (AN: that line sound familiar? *laughs*) I would bring you a pack when you were there. We smoke the same brand, so why not be polite?

The final time I get to see you is right now at midnight. As I said, your window's open everynight, which is a bad idea since our neighbor hood isn't exactly the best, plus you're in an apartment, making things a bit more dangerous. I close the small peice of protective glass for you everytime I go by, making sure the bronze latch it tightly on.

One time, and one time only, you were still awake, and when I bent down to close your window, seeing as how your room is in the basement, you were standing there smiling at me. You gave me a peice of blue broken glass, and then nestled back into your blanket-covered dreams. I still have that little blue fragment.

The thing about us is, we've never talked.
Ever.

I fell in love with a silent beauty.

Mabey one day, you'llopen your mouth wide enought to fit my heart in to swallow down to your colon and become part of you.

It's the only dream worth trying to get.

fan fic!

2005-08-01T17:35:26Z

You know what? I never update my journal! So, I'm going to use it as a place to post stories too! Hooray!
btw, most of theses were written with Frank and Gerard in mind >.> they can be about anyone though.
most of the time .........

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Life is but a dream

We're............
shopping.

Oh yes, shopping.

........

in Claire's.

The kingdom of the colour pink.

You're standing there with a pink boa on. A BOA. PINK.

.....cute.

I can't believe it, but it's unbearably cute to see you all wrapped up in fake feathers while spinning around and bouncing. You dragged me in here as a joke, but you seem to be having way too much fun.

You bounced over and threw the other end of the monstrous pink article over my head so we were both trapped in it.

Your smile was too bright. Brighter than a super nova.

So wonderful.

It's so embarrassing, but as I look over to the mirror next to us, I couldn't help but smile and let out a gigle at the picture. Two grown adults, in Claire's, wrapped up in the pinkest feathery thing I have ever seen in my life.

It's just silly! So wonderfully silly!

So, I acted silly too.

By picking you up and spinning as fast as possible. The feathers whirled around so fast it made it look like you were flapping a pair of wings.

Oh how cheesy. Giddyness does that to you.

A dizzy spell came over me, so before I knew it we were on the floor giggling away, hoplessly tangled in the girlish accessory.

I gave you a small peck on the cheek before getting up to drag you by the ankles all over the floor. You were getting rugburn, but it didn't matter. You were laughing anyway.

Of course, all the ruckus got us in trouble. A teenaged girl, who looked to be only about seventeen came over to ask us to leave. We both giggled a bit. I let out a snide remark once she was gone about how convienient it must be for such a preppy girl to work in such a preppy store.

It made you laugh.

You make me smile.

And that boa made me broke.

You wear it every sunday at my house now, and we just roll and play in it, getting feathers everywhere, including all over us. They get stuck in your hair and I just wanna cuddle you forever and ever.

Oh, the giddyness.

twice in five minutes

2005-07-01T09:18:00Z

yeah, i still feel pretty crappy, and I realize that my icon is anooyingly cute. And blue.
I feel cold.
I can just say what I want now.
It's a bit scary to know that I'm not even thinking, just letting my fingers spill my soul on to a website for teen angst and porn.
I guess it's time to complain then.
My life still seems to be going downhill. I haven't really talked to anyone other than to Jen Tharp about this, but it's true. As cheesy as it sounds, this year has been a constant reminder of that one line from the Animatrix "And for a time, it was good." because it just means that things were bad, then good, then worse. Fucking roller coasters. It's five now, and if I'm on for much longer I'll be caught. For some reason, I don't care.
Anyway, I'm off track again. All year, it feels like problems have been just stacking up ontop of each other on my head. Between all the love triangles between freinds, and love triangles that involved me, and failing school, and homelife not being too swell, things just kinda sucked. It never really felt like a single problem was actually resolved. maybe that's why they still haunt me. Jim M caused alot of stress too. He practically molested me everyday at lunch and told me he liked/loved me. And that was like hitting me with a sledge hammer. He's involved in things I don't want to be involved in. And he is pretty much sex oriented. He says he hasn't had sex in a year and that he's only done it with two girls, but I have no idea how much he's lied to me this year. It might all be true, it might not be. To be honest, I was scared. I was afraid of something new and something not innocent. I'm a wuss. Anyway, he and G-day graduated, and I don't really intend to talk to them again. I'm still afraid.

However, right now my biggest problem is Mary Lou. She's forgotten me. She has a life now and doesn't need me anymore. I'm a used toy. She has real freinds now and doesn't need to retreat with me to my room to hide in the world of make believe anymore. When we were young, we were all that we had. We were our only freinds. We did everything together. She fucking sang me to sleep. She's my better half. People always said we were practically clones. Think of Mar leaving as the all the happy things in life being locked away with a lost key. The lonelyness is unbearable, and she doesn't care. I actually cried over this. It's a bit sad though, because I could only get two tears out, and they only reached the middle of my nose. I'm too pathetic to even cry properly. She's not home very often anymore, she goes to Philly now to be with the people who stole her. They're good nice people, but that doesn't stop me from being bitter.

I noticed in Tara's car exactly how bitter I was. I couldn't watch Tara make out with Chris in front of me. I can't stand to see them happy. Of course, Tara deserves to be happy, after all she's been through, but I still hate her for it. Why can;t I have that? Whay can't I HAVE SOMEONE TO KISS!? WHy WON'T SOMEONE LOOK AT ME WITH LOVING EYES AND HAVE ME RETURN IT?! I've had three people tell me that they love me, but I can't love them back. I just don't feel that way for them and I don't want to hurt them by pretending like I do. Sure, temporary happyness is great, but in the back of my head there will always be the thought that this is fake. Even when I find someone i love, it'll end eventually. One of us will surely die before the other, or they'll get bored. WE ALL DIE ALONE! Alone and forgotten, our shriveled corpses will lay. WHY CAN'T I BE HAPPY TOO?! WHY CAN'T I JUST ACCEPT PEOPLE AND LET THEM USE AND ABUSE AND CHERISH AND LOVE AND HATE ME?!

Why am I alone?
People are right next to me, but we're worlds apart.
I can't feel them.
Always, always, alone.
Forever.
We all die alone.

chunks of my brain

2005-07-01T08:45:40Z

um....yeah......This was a reply to one of Jen's posts.....It's fucking 4:41 now, so shut up...I'm bored and haven't updated this thing in months, so I thought i would just put my thoughts up here to have them be enflamed with hate by all of my ONE PERSON audience.

*glomp* ok, now that that's out of my system *clears throat*
You know the whole "my life isn't that bad" thing? yes well, I think all logical people do that, but alas, it still does't work. I say it all the time, ad yet I stil find myself bitching about how hot it is outside. Something you have to except is that it is human nature to be ignorant, arrogant, and hipocritical.
....Like me critisizing bad grammar and yet I can't spell hipocritical... >.>

Humancs are selfish pigs. Even if you do something for someone else, it's only so you can feel the happy satisfaction that you did something good for someone else. In other words, to make you feel better. You shouldn't feel bad then when people steal from stores right? Or maybe we should since it's against the "law". Laws seem so unimportant, and yet they're the only things that are keeping the entire human population from spinning even more out of control than it already is. I know I'm rambling, but I feel like telling you this so you feel a bit better. Again, because I want the satisfaction of it.
People care for others out of selfishness too. We cling to each other to drive away loneliness. Those who can truly and honestly say they don't need people are the strongest in the world. Alas, there are many who say it, but in no way mean it. If they're a hermit in a cave at the top of a mountian eating rats, then I'll believe them.
In a sense, every one has the right to complain about their lives. Each person's suffering is their own, and no one can know or match it. Sure, there may be an amazingly similar case to yours, but yours is still all your own because of the time, place, and people you are and are around. Even if we think we're going through pain together, we're all alone. We all die alone, even if we're in our lover's arms.

Now that I'm done ranting pointlessly about life, I'll try to give you advise that you probably won't take.
Best I can say is to just BARE IT! Stop trying to rebel or try to scrape some sort of individuality out of life. Individuality is just a sliver away from an illusion, the only thing that makes it real is again, time, place, and the people. Rebelling oly causes trouble and makes things worse, and yes, it does sound like a plan for a pussy, but seriously, it's harder to stay silent and keep in the rage without any sort of release than it is to yell it out for everyone to know. I've been doing it for years with my folks, but I admit, I do rant to people about them every so often, but most of the time not after a fight or anything. One more peice of advise.

Never ever become like me. Ever. You're strong, you just need to learn how to control your stregnth. I am weak, shallow, and probably not nearly as enlightened as I hope I am. I despretly need people, am sometimes shallow, have done terrible things that I have done that I'm not going to tell anybody about so don't bother to ask, am annoying, am annoyingly self concious, am sometimes stalkerish, have a REALLY REALLY bad temper,am overly apologetic (am annoyingly so), and i'm not trustworthy. The greatest thing I can tell you is to never aquire any of these traits.

Yep, lecturin is what I do best at 4:38 in the morning. Sorry if I pissed you off or bored you, but I read your post and had a random urge to give you a chunk of philosophy and crap advise. Enjoy.

Yup, that was it. Responses please. I'll give you LSD. You know you guys want it.
Actually no, I'm definately too poor to ever own any drugs.

----"It's such a strange sensation, to be empty like a forgotten condom."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------Me

boredom, lyrics, The Blood Brothers, coincidences, almost Wa-Mart trips,Interpol, movies, and Easter

2005-03-29T06:00:08Z

well, first, let me apologize to whoever reads this for my lack of updates. Secondly, let me apologize for any grammar mistakes I make, my parents bought a new keyborad and I'm not really used to it. Thirdly, I've been obsessing a bit over the Blood brothers, and i see a need to put some lyrics here! These are to a song of thier called "Love rhymes with hideous car wreck"

Those tire tracks
zigzag your torso like a Devil's self portrait.
The car accident, the skin graft treatment, the flower baskets,
the wincing relatives...

you bid her farewell then you got in your car
and that's the last thing that you can recall.
and when they pulled you out
you didn't know your name
exploding semi truck blurred your face with flame...

you met Jane four years ago today
dancing at some vomit-stained frat party.
Her newspaper gown, glowing headline brown, her violent gypsy dance,
her tired underpants...

Love (x12)
rhymes with pity now
Love (x12)
rhymes with sympathy now

Jane let you touch and feel her
she was so free like a pineapple in a tree
You said it's dangerous
to be so intimate
You know it's dangerous, dangerous, dangerous.

Jane said when she laid on her back
the sun hit her body like an ugly landscape.

But some things never get better
like used cars and bad livers.
So you traded her in for a better looking brand.
One with fake porno tits
a pad lock on her lips
disposable tan
biodegradable hands.

Back at the hospital
you got no visitors at all.
She visits you in your sleep,
but that newspaper gown is always on fire (x2)

She met him a week after you left her
when you tossed out her touch to the garbage collector.
He talked her out of her skirt in his beer-soaked apartment
and then they did all the things
you never said that you wanted.
And the sirens are laughing underneath your skull.
And your thoughts are turning dull, callous and cold.
Yesterday you gave your burden a name.
Yesterday you gave your burden a face.

But your burden looks an awful lot like her.

Love (x12)
rhymes with pity now
Love (x12)
rhymes with sympathy now

Ok, now that that's done with, onwards! Yesterday while driving down Pump Brach road at like 9 (tara woke me up to go to friggin Wal-Mart with her to buy easter stuff for her boyfriend), we drove past Olivia and becca! we drove past at first, but then turned around and i don't think they knew it was us until I got out and was like "Hey! What're you doing here?" and they were like "Hey!" and then i offered them a ride, asked tara if she could drive them home, did so, and then proceeded to go to Wal-Mart. If Liv wants to tell you why she was on Pump Branch, she will, but I'm not saying anything. Anyway, when we got there, we realized it was closed, so we were like "Dollar Tree!", which was right next door, but that was closed too, so we went to Super G, which was also right there, got what we could, and then went to Eccard. After that, we went home, ate Easter Breakfast, opened baskets, was bored, had a family get-together, stayed bored throughout the party, Mar went to an Interpol concert, people left, I watched TV until 2, called G-Day and Jimmy, Mar came home. Man, while I was talking to G-Day and Jimmy (Jim was at G-day's house...his real name is Dave I think)they went ghost hunting. See, G-Day's house seems to be a hot spot, and ghosts are kinda attracted to Jim. So anyway, it was like 2 and they went down in G-Day's basement and started taking pics. There were like 8! There was a green one, who G-day and Drew (his bro) and they were pretty sure it's their grandmom. There were like 3 blue ones though. Anywho, there was this one really big one... BUT ANYWAY!!!! G-Day sa in a chair and Jim took a pic of him, and a skull was above his head! They took a pic of just the chair and nothing was there, but then they took one of Drew sitting in it and it was back! AH! And I was on the phone the whole time! it was really creepy... But yeah, most of the time I was talking to G-Day in Drew, and it was creepy to just hear Jim in the backround like "Oh my god! That is not good" because of course then you're all like "What?! WHAT HAPPENED?!". So yeah...that weirded me out. I went to the movies today with jen Tharp. It was cool! We saw robots. afterwards, we came back to my house, watched Nausicaa, then took her home. I watched TV for a while, watched two of The Used's old videos, watched more TV, got bored, came down here expecting to read some fics, but Fandomination is being an evil bitch again and won't let me use it, I know that there's still crap on FF.net, there's no new Gohou Drug fics from R-Chan, and she's the only one that really writes anything that's worth reading that's GD related, talked to Liv, she got yelled at so she had to go, so I started listening to the Blood Brothers and started to read thier lyrics, dad came in and bitched that the music was too loud, and then went upstairs to sleep, and then I got on here to ramble to my poor readers. that is if I have any. this is an exceedingly long post..so much is going on, so why am I so empty?.............. I ran out of stuff to ramble about....well, there's lots of stuff to ramble about, but not anything that is actually bothering me right now....I have to do most of my English project in about a week...it sucks......but ANYWAY, I'm done now, so baiz!

"Where is love now?"
-The Blood Brothers

P.S. hehe....they have a song named "Trash flavored Trash"....hehehehhee...

Nyahahahahhahahaha.......

2005-02-14T00:26:57Z

I read the whole FAKE series!! *insert heart symbol here* XD
The lemons were a bit strange, but hot non-the-less. I feel so perverted now. XD Did anyone other than me think it was weird how Dee talked through thier whole second round? Yes, I am being rather....straighforward, but I mean, c'mon! Yaoi godness! I heart gay men. XD Anyway, just wanted to rant a bit. Baiz!

"home is where you make it love, don't get yourself confused."
-Taking Back Sunday

I'm sorry

2005-01-27T23:52:06Z

I'm really sorry. Most of my entries will probably be like the last one. I'm realy sorry. I'm not going to say that I never ment it, because that's a lie. but I will say that I'm sorry to anyone who might read this. When I'm alone and have no one to talk to, this is the only place i can talk about stuff at, even though no one takls back. No one reads this anyway. But, to anyone who does and if I made you upset, I'm sorry. I really am.

more complaining

2005-01-26T00:18:03Z

Does anyone care who i am other than Livvy? Does anyone care that at the moment she's the only one I'm close to? Does anyone ever wonder about the secrets and emotions I have? Does anyone care about what my oopinions are and what I have to say? I know this is hurting people who read this other than Liv, but this is how I feel. I'm too cowardly to tell you this in person. I don't have the courage to face you. Are you even my real friends? How many times did you lie to me? Are you a genuine person? Are you honest with yourself and others? Do you run away? Are you alone? Are you afraid? Why can't we be happy? Why shouldn't we delude ourselves with day dreams and fantasies of love and loss? Why can't we be fake? Why can't I be fake?

I'm telling you I'm a fake.

Three good days in a row? YES!! FOR ONCE!!!!

2004-12-12T23:27:48Z

I had a pretty good weekend! ...notoce the "pretty" in there....it wasn't all good, but hey, I can't really complain! Pretty good' better then horrible! Anyway, time to rant about it.

^_^

I went shopping with meh grandmom on Saturday and bought neat stuff! I actually picked it out this time. I also got a new charger for my GBA (I lost my last one -_- the new one isn't as cool). Oh! On that subject *clears throat*

KINGDOM HEARTS: CHAIN OF MEMORIES CAME OUT ON TUESDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^___________^ I saw the commercial for it like 5 times already. Mwuahahhahahahahaha. That's the only reason I bought a GBA in the first place. Obsessed? Slightly.
XD
Anyway, back to my weekend. My parents put up the christmas tree on saturday while I was shopping (grrr) and then I hung out....until I had to go babysit, which was the bad part of my weekend. I was there from ten-of-nine to 2:30. 2:30!!!!!!!!!!! GAH! but, I made about 30$ so oh well. ANYWAY! So today I woke up and put lights on the tree with mom and dad, went to home depo *laughs* it took about 2 hours. Oh, on the way back we stopped at Burger King and my dad got a Pepsi, but the nozzle was leaking sop he had to put it right up into it. So, we finished, walked out to the car, and my dad looks at his drink. All I heard was "What the hell?" and laughing. Hehehehehhee. The nozzle from the soda dispenser had fallen into my dad's drink!!!! *laughs* so, he went to the manager, blah blah blah, we got a refund. ^_^ Which was good 'cus we were broke ^_^;;;;;;;;
Anyway, so we came home and baked cokies! (which i made a mess of XD) And now I'm here! Once Mar and Tara come home at 8 we're gona put all the ornaments and stuff on the tree while listening to the Cjipmunks sing Christmas carols! (I still don't know what started tht tradition XD) Oh yeah, as a closing, I would like to say that we FINNALLY GOT NEW LIGHTS FOR OUR TREEEE!!!!!!! Instead of the crappy multi coloured ones, we have cool blue ones to match out blue and white ornaments we had, even thought they went horribly with the multi-coloured lights *cringes*. I still have to decorate my room XD Which i'll do......now? Later?.........eventually

XD

Okies!
Bai-ai!
^_^

P.S. Another bad thing about this weekend was that I didn't spen ANY time with ANY of my friends! *cries* I tried to get Jen to sleep over last night and wanted to visit Livvy today, BUT IT DIDN'T WOOOOOOOOOORK!!!!!! T_______T Ah well, next weekend.....

Aufweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

2004-12-07T22:06:22Z

Yay! I'm over Olivia's! ^_^ We had cool soup! Bwahahahahhaahhahahahha.....beans...*farts* >.>
no one saw that....ANYWAY! We had more philosophical talks, which were cool! ^_____________^
It was fun, and we're probably gping to have eggs for dinner! XD IT'S REVERSE DAY!!! WHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! bwahhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha......ha....yes, ranting...I feel like writing, but am too lazy to do so. XD

Okies!
Bai-ai!
^_^

P.S. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! NO MORE DEPRESSING CRAP!!!!!!!!!!

Don't look at me

2004-11-17T02:29:19Z

Blargh. I really wish things were like they were in middle school. Everything was so simplistic, including myself. I used to be content with lying to myself, telling myself to pretend to be happy so others would be happy too. What a lie. I didn't need to pretend to be happy! What reason did I have to be sad? Nothing was as bad is it is now. Once I hit 8th grade, i slowly stopped pretending, and that's why now, i'm not trying to anymore, because it didn't make me happy and it didn't make anyone else happy either.

But

Pretending to be happy was enough for me then, but it won't work anymore. I hate it. I mean, what the hell do i have to be sad about?! I mean yeah, my life kinda sucks, but not nearly as much as some other people's! God damn, I'm such a baby. I'm so pethetic and helpless. I need people, and they don't need me in return. I'm just like a leech, clonging to others who only find me to be a pest. of course, there are those who want me around, but there's only like 2 of them. Every one else forgets me. I don't matter to them anymore. Does anyone care? Am I realy invisible? I tell myself that i'm not, but lately, I'm not so sure anymore. I don't know who want sme and who doesn't. Who wants to care for me, while all i give is a burden in return? I feel abandoned. I've always had this fear of being abandoned and forgotten, and now, all I feel is that. I just want one person to love me. ONE person to cherish and adore me. One person who won't care about the burdens I put on them. A person I can talk to for hoirs, and they won't say anything, just nodd their head and listen. Someone who I can sit in comfortable silence with or scream and yell at, and it won't bother them. Some one who I can cry to. Someone who UNDERSTANDS. Someone who I won't hurt, and some one who won't hurt me. I want to help them too, but mainly I want to be supported. Just one person who could do this is all I need.
Somebody please love me.... Don't forget me please!

I feel helpless

Pathetic

Empty

Forgotten

"To be forgotten is a worst fate then death."
-Me

Oh, the drama. Nobody really needed to read this...sorry for wasting your time......

Addictions and Frustration

2004-11-13T00:48:47Z

Blargh. I dun feel too peachy. I slept over Livvy's last night and it was cool. We had alot of fun and ate mexican food...which made me have severe pains in my stomache the mornign after. It's a shame. That was some really good food. I'm rather sad right now. I have no idea why though so I'll just vent to the box with a screen that I call a computer. Speaking of venting, Lisa pissed me off today even more then when she cut herself. She tried yo say that she was really angry at AJ and was just venting. Gah. Who vents by injuring themselfes? what do you think friends are for huh? I guess I'm just frustrated that everything I've ranted to her about has just been annoying (she's said so repeadedly in the past) and none of it has sunk in at all. Which makes me angry. If I bother to rant to you, don't disregard me 'cus that'll just get me pissed. Ah well, too blahed out right now to be pissed. I hate it when I'm blahed. It's so boring. I've been obsessing over My Chemical Romance for the past two days. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Also, I have come to realize that there are even more hints that Gerard and Frank could be gay together. Oh yeah, Mar also taped them doing a concert and when they're singing "I'm Not OK" Frank comes up behind Gerard and covers his eyes with his fore-arm. It was so cute! It just seemed like Gerard already knew he was there, and his facial expression didn't really show surprise. Mwuahahahhahahaha. Me and Mar have decided that Frank would USUALLY be ontop, but not always.Ah, all hail the crazy yayoi fangirls. Speaking of which, I finally wrote the next chapter of my story. I have to wait for Livvy to e-mail it to me while I re-edit my first chapter....for like the fith time. It's alot easier to write about Ryo's situation with Livvy, 'cus she knows all about that so she can be like "That can't hapen" and "dude...that's so unrealistic" which is good because i want it to be a realistic story. constructive critisism people. Also, I think I might style Joben's hair like Franks, but diffrent. but I have decided that his hair will be short, or shoulder legnth. I hope that'l look good. Yes people, two months and I still can't come up with a good hairstyle for him. *pokes brain with a Q-tip* WORK!!!!!!!! I feel slightly better now. This has been able to retain my attention for a whole 7 minutes now. Anyway, since I know no one's reading this and that it's gone on entirely too long, I'll go now.

yay contradictions and RPing!

2004-10-17T22:39:14Z

nyahahahhahaa...i have a new sound effect! Arghablargh! BWAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!! ...*ahem* any one wana see a semi funny RPing session i'm having with Loree? if not, TOO BAD!!!!!!!! Here it is anyway 'cus I have nothing better to do!
x0chibicoconut0x: mmmmmmm
x0chibicoconut0x: *is drinking hot chocolate*
Dancergirl53: sounds yummy
x0chibicoconut0x: I put 6 spoons of mix in
x0chibicoconut0x: XD
x0chibicoconut0x: I'm only supposed to put 2 in
x0chibicoconut0x: XD
x0chibicoconut0x: chocolate ish gooooooooooood
Dancergirl53: lol
x0chibicoconut0x: .....anyway
x0chibicoconut0x: back to the penguins
Dancergirl53: lol...brb mike wants me
x0chibicoconut0x: as a re-cap for loree(?) Mike brought in penguins, I made Squall dress up as a giant penguin, Cloud is cuddling him, and I'm going aw
x0chibicoconut0x: ok
Dancergirl53: ok
x0chibicoconut0x: hey
x0chibicoconut0x: read the above
Dancergirl53: i did....
x0chibicoconut0x: god!
x0chibicoconut0x: now then
x0chibicoconut0x: *good
Dancergirl53: let me add to the mix.....*cllaps hands*
x0chibicoconut0x: nyehehehhhe
x0chibicoconut0x: I know who it iiiis.........
Dancergirl53: Riku aand Sora: WTF?!
x0chibicoconut0x: I WIN!
x0chibicoconut0x: XD
Dancergirl53: lol
x0chibicoconut0x: Sora: ..........PENGUINS!!!!!!!! *goes and cuddles the biggest one*
x0chibicoconut0x: Riku:.............
x0chibicoconut0x: Me: *get another evil idea*
x0chibicoconut0x: Riku: OH GOD NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dancergirl53: uh-oh
x0chibicoconut0x: Me: BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAA!!!!!!11 *pulls Riku away*
x0chibicoconut0x: Riku; *is kickingh and screaming* HELP ME SORA!!!!!!!!!1
x0chibicoconut0x: Sora: *is too busy cuddlig the penguin to pay attention*
x0chibicoconut0x: Cloud: .........*shruggs* he'll get cuddled after the tourure
Dancergirl53: i was just about to say that...now Sora come here
x0chibicoconut0x: Squall: yep *cuddles Cloud on a couch*
x0chibicoconut0x: XD
x0chibicoconut0x: uh-oh.........
Dancergirl53: *drags Sora away*
x0chibicoconut0x: dun dun dun!
x0chibicoconut0x: *comes back with Riku*
Dancergirl53: Sora: NO THE PENGUINS NEED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
x0chibicoconut0x: Riku: GAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!! I'M SO ASHAMED!!!!!!!!!!!
x0chibicoconut0x: *is in a penguin suit with a HUGE yellow ribbon around neck*
Dancergirl53: *comes back wit Sora
x0chibicoconut0x: Me: ...this makes me want to draw this........
x0chibicoconut0x: XD
x0chibicoconut0x: *looks at Sora*
Dancergirl53: ME:ta dA!
x0chibicoconut0x: WHAT THE?!
x0chibicoconut0x: Riku; *gasp*
Dancergirl53: lol
x0chibicoconut0x: Cloud and Squall: *stare*
Dancergirl53: lollolollolololol
x0chibicoconut0x: .........GEWT ON WITH IT!!!!!!
Dancergirl53: *is hysterical
Dancergirl53: cant.....gasp*....talk...*gasp* falls on the *floor*
x0chibicoconut0x: XD
x0chibicoconut0x: Riku: SAY IT OR I'LL STRANGLE YOU WITH MY OERLY LARGE RIBBON AND PENGUIN SUIT!
x0chibicoconut0x: Squall: .....whatever.....
x0chibicoconut0x: Cloud: ....you need new lines.....
x0chibicoconut0x: Squall: *glare*
x0chibicoconut0x: Cloud: *cuddles*
Dancergirl53: AMber...y....dont...u...say..cause...i.cant...talk...........
x0chibicoconut0x: squall: .......*tries not to smile*
x0chibicoconut0x: Me: ...because you're the one that dressed him
x0chibicoconut0x: you have the right to say what you did
Dancergirl53: *gasp* falls over dead because of loss of air
x0chibicoconut0x: *clapps hands*
x0chibicoconut0x: tidus: 8sigh* *uses full-life*
x0chibicoconut0x: Me: *gets another evil idea*
Dancergirl53: yay! i live
Dancergirl53: !
x0chibicoconut0x: Tidus: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! *runs away before I can catch him*
Dancergirl53: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
x0chibicoconut0x: Me: poo..........
x0chibicoconut0x: *shruggs*
x0chibicoconut0x: I'll get him next time
x0chibicoconut0x: anyway
x0chibicoconut0x: back to Sora
x0chibicoconut0x: announce the outfit!
Dancergirl53: never! u have to guess what it is!
Dancergirl53: i made it my self!
x0chibicoconut0x: dude, do you know the evil things I can make him be in?
x0chibicoconut0x: including nothing?
x0chibicoconut0x: Riku: hmmm........ * mind is in the gutter*
Dancergirl53: lol
x0chibicoconut0x: Me: *whaps him over the head*
Dancergirl53: i MADE It
x0chibicoconut0x: ................................................................................
x0chibicoconut0x: A GIANT SNOWBALL!!!!!!!!!
x0chibicoconut0x: XD
x0chibicoconut0x: jpjpjpjpjpj
Dancergirl53: nope
Dancergirl53:
Dancergirl53:
Dancergirl53:
Dancergirl53:
x0chibicoconut0x: uhm.......................
Dancergirl53: guess again
x0chibicoconut0x: a giant soccer ball?
x0chibicoconut0x: XD
x0chibicoconut0x: AN ORAGAMI!!!!!!!!1
Dancergirl53: nope
x0chibicoconut0x: A COSPLAY OUT FIT!!!!!!!!!
Dancergirl53:
Dancergirl53: nope
x0chibicoconut0x: A GIANT RABBIT!!!!!!!!!!
Dancergirl53: nope
x0chibicoconut0x: A GIANT KITTEH!!!!!!!!
Dancergirl53: nope
x0chibicoconut0x: A PUMKIN!!!!!!!!1
Dancergirl53: nope
x0chibicoconut0x: JACK! (from the nightmare before christmas*
x0chibicoconut0x: A GIRL!
x0chibicoconut0x: uhm.....
x0chibicoconut0x: running out of random ideas......
Dancergirl53: yup a GIRL! no i'm kiddin
x0chibicoconut0x: Sora: she's so uncreative.8sighs*
Dancergirl53: lol
x0chibicoconut0x: MeL it would've been funny if he was
x0chibicoconut0x: *sees Sora in Selphie's dress*
x0chibicoconut0x: *laughs*
Dancergirl53: lol
x0chibicoconut0x: Riku; hmmmmmmmmmmm.
x0chibicoconut0x: Me: *hits him again*
x0chibicoconut0x: Me: I give up
x0chibicoconut0x: oo wait!
Dancergirl53: its a giant.......PIGGY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
x0chibicoconut0x: a heartless?
x0chibicoconut0x: O_O
Dancergirl53: NO!
x0chibicoconut0x: A PIG????!!!!!!!!!!
Dancergirl53: yup
x0chibicoconut0x: *stares with every one else*
x0chibicoconut0x: Sora: ....oink?
Dancergirl53: i think he looks like Wilbur
x0chibicoconut0x: Me: XD
x0chibicoconut0x: what was the whole "i MADE it" thing though?
x0chibicoconut0x: brb
Dancergirl53: i made it myself! thats y it looks so weird! k
Dancergirl53: k
x0chibicoconut0x: back
x0chibicoconut0x: .....hm.......
Dancergirl53: yay!
x0chibicoconut0x: I dunno
x0chibicoconut0x: I like the idea of Sora cuddling penguin Riku then Penguin Riku and Piggy Sora....
x0chibicoconut0x: .............but only slighty......
x0chibicoconut0x: it's more comical in costumes.....
Dancergirl53: ya
x0chibicoconut0x: but fluffier when one is in a costume and the other isn't *points to Cloud and Squall cuddling on the couch*
x0chibicoconut0x: see, Squall's too sexy to be adorable, so i made him cute with a costume
x0chibicoconut0x: but Cloud's adorable anyway
x0chibicoconut0x: so he dun need one
x0chibicoconut0x: bwahahahahhaha
Dancergirl53: lol
x0chibicoconut0x: I love my logic
x0chibicoconut0x: XD
Dancergirl53: how bout we just put the costume on Riku?
x0chibicoconut0x: arghablargh
x0chibicoconut0x: Riku's in a penguin out fit though....
x0chibicoconut0x: but the pig's more original
x0chibicoconut0x: hmmmm........
x0chibicoconut0x: well, since he's you man, do what you will
x0chibicoconut0x: Sora: he's my man too!
Dancergirl53: lol
x0chibicoconut0x: me: yes, but you're a fictional charecter, and sh'es not
x0chibicoconut0x: Sora: *pouts*
Dancergirl53: lol
x0chibicoconut0x: Sora: *takes off costume and hands it to Loree* do whatever then.....
x0chibicoconut0x: Me: ^_^
x0chibicoconut0x: *sigh*
x0chibicoconut0x: it's so depressing to check your mail only to descover there's nothing, not even junk mail
Dancergirl53: *sigh8 at least i get junk mail
x0chibicoconut0x: -_-
x0chibicoconut0x: continue witht the costume deciding1
Dancergirl53: i used to send u stuff but u said to stop so i did
x0chibicoconut0x: eh
x0chibicoconut0x: I dun like chain letters
x0chibicoconut0x: anyway
x0chibicoconut0x: COSTUME!!!!!!!11
Dancergirl53: lol
x0chibicoconut0x: what'll you do?
Dancergirl53: about what?
Dancergirl53: *is confused*
x0chibicoconut0x: what wiul you do with the cotume?
x0chibicoconut0x: put it on riku or not?
Dancergirl53: i think Riku should....change into a bunny costume!
x0chibicoconut0x: XD
Dancergirl53: lol
x0chibicoconut0x: Riku: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! *penguin suit dissapears and is replaced with a buny one*
Dancergirl53: bwahahahahaha
x0chibicoconut0x: Sora: *glomps him* SOOOOOOOOO CUUUUUTE!!!!!!!! *cuddle*
Dancergirl53: lol
x0chibicoconut0x: Me: ah, plotting is fun
x0chibicoconut0x: Riku; well, at least I get cuddled
Dancergirl53: brb
x0chibicoconut0x: squall: *throws a pillow from the couch at him* GET YOUR OWN LINES!!!!!!!1
x0chibicoconut0x: Me: ok

wow...that was longer then I thought, and probably no one read it. *shruggs* oh well. You probably dun know who they are anyway.
Ryo: this is true
Joben; *nodds* .....6 SPONS OF HOT CHOCOLATE?!!!!!!!! ARE YOU MAD WOMAN??!!!!!!!
Me: yes. I'm gonna OD on sugar! WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway.

About my last entry. I completely contadicted myself yet again. XD anyway, i was telling every one to stop being mean to each other, and then i called you guys imbiciles. XD ah, contradictions are fun. hey, Mar's home! (meh sis for any one who doesn't know, but then why would you be reading this if you didn't know me?) Anyway, sorry for the small insult and stupid contradictions. I know I'm stupid, so stop laughing. OK! ENOUGH OF THIS CRAP! THE END BITCHES!

"What's life like bleeding on the floor?"
-Thank you for the venom, My Chemical Romance (can I call it MCR yet?)

BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!

2004-10-08T23:12:45Z

GAH! WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE SO FRUSTRATING?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW DID I GET STUCK IN JEN AND LIVVY'S FEUD??!!!!!!!!! Ah well, guess it's meh own fault. But hey, i'm doing my best to play peacemaker.I enjoy it, even though i complain about it. It makes me feel needed, though I'm probably not in this situation -_-. I feel really bad though. I sent Jen a reaaaaaally mean e-mail.....yeah...I feel bad about it, even though she says it's fine. I could've told her all that crap in a MUCH nicer way. >__________< WHY DO I ALWAYS DO THINGS I ALWAYS REGRET???!!!!!!!!!! geh. I guess trouble come with my whole "Help people" purpose/mission in life. Yes, i know i'm being dramatic. Sue me already. ANYWAY! Now for a word of advise to Livvy and Jen.

Livvy: STOP BEING SO MEAN! IT JUST PISSES JEN OFF MORE AND LOWERS HER SELF-ESTEEM MORE! IT JUST MAKES HER THINK THAT YOU/WE HATE HER MORE!!!!!!!!! I know, I know, I'm WAY too soft for my own good, but sometimes, it's fine to just let someone know how you're feeling in a less bashing kind of way so we aviod the anger part of everything.

Jen: Dude. Open up already. as I said in my IM (I know you read it) you should tell your friends what's wrong so that you can help relieve some of your burden, even if it means sharing it with others. I dunno what every one else thinks, but I know that most of us will gladly share your burden and be close to you, then be distant and watch you struggle by yourself. i know, it's diffrent from what i said in meh IM, but this spels it out in black and white. LISTEN TO US!!!!!!!! ADVISE IS THERE FOR A REASON! And no, I'm not gonna kill you. man, I couldn't even stay MAD at you, even though you REALLY pissed me off before.

Anyway, every one, I have a word of advise for you all. STOP BEING SO MEAN TO EACH OTHER! IT ONLY CAUSES RAGE AND MAKES THINGS WORSE YOU IMBICILES!!!!!!!!!!

bored......again -_-

2004-09-22T22:17:49Z

Bleh. I attempted to do stuff with meh page. I got some done, but not quite what I wanted. Ah well. I should just make my own site, but I'm too retarded to find a server which'll give me freedom.....and a free page...
XD
Yes, I know I'm stupid. Don't laugh. Schol sucks, and it's boring. I most likely will transfer back to Winslow. Livvy was here a lttle while ago. we looked at some kick ass art by a 10 year old! A FRIGGIN 10 YEAR OLD! SHE DREW BETTER THEN I DO WHEN SHE WAS 8!!!!!!!!!! I'M 14 FOR PETES SAKE! Geh....I hate being untalented. Everyone's always lie "Wow, Amber's art is so good!" but really, it's crap compared to what others do. However, I will protect Ryo. He's basically the embodyment of all the negative things in life. He's my creation, and I won't let anyone ridicule him. Other then that, my art is all copies. My Sora pics were based off of other pics, though I only looked off them for details. But, Sora's been created already. Ryo is something that I think actually IS unique, one of the few things I regard that way. And Daisuki? No idea. I haven't drawn a single pic of him yet. I still don't know what I should make him look like. hehe. I want him to be worthy of meh sexeh beast of a man!
XD
Yep, mood swings are fun.
XD XD

Bleh. Anyway, Wife #2 (AKA Jen) Came and Stole wife #9 (AKA Livvy) From me to go shopping. And I have to baby sit in half an hour!
T_____________T

And my day at school way crap. I went to a COMPLETELY Boring and pointless gym class that consisted of a bunch of idiots who made us go play soccer, and then went to biology, only to discover that it was wensday, therefore we had lab, so I ran from building 1 to 6 and was late anyway, oh, and did I mention that lab started during my gym period on Wensdays? I could have avoided all te crappy soccer playing-ness!Ragh! The rest of the day was it's usual boring self. Oh, one upside to going to gym though....well, actually three XD.
1:I got to see Nick's hot ass while doing push ups (XD)
2: I got to Talk to Nick some more (we're sorta kinda friends, even though we don't talk to each other very much)
3: You that bitch Clair? Her older sister goes to my school...and is in my lunch and gym. And while she was talking to her groupies (she's Clair's older clone) she got hit in the back of the head with the soccer ball! She so easy to piss off! She started cursing and giving epmty threats while NO ONE was listening to her. And then, they kick the ball her way again! GYEHEHEHEHEHEHHEE!!!!!!!!!!
A few days with her I was in lunch with her and she cut infront of me, Mellisa, Ashley, and like two other people, so I glared. Evilly. So, she goes off on one of her "Do you see that little fucker lookin at me like that?" sprees. So, she's all like "You wanna fight?!" So, I said, you piss me off, but that doesn't mean I'll do anything." So she's all like "Yeah I know you won't do anything I'll get my boyfriend on your ass. Blah blah blah" She rambled all the way to the end of the lunch line! It5 was hilarious! She's such a bitch. Anyway, that's all for now. Mabey tommorow I'll get lucky and something will actually HAPPEN!

Okies!
Bai-ai@!
^_^

Grand Opening!!!! Whoot!

2004-09-22T02:59:20Z

Hewo! Yeah! I got off my lazy ass and made this! I have a crapload of editing to do to this page,and 10 minutes to do it.........so yeah.....there's no way in hell I'm even gonna attempt to do it.
XD
Eh I'm shleepeh. I'm always sleepy......I'm always daydreaming. Is the borderline between concious-ness and un-consiousness really that defined? How can you tell if you're awake or asleep? Mabey what we call the "real world" is the dream, and the "dream World" is the real world? heh. Way too much of The Matrix and Alice in Wonderland. Excuse my rambling.
XD
Anyway, that's all for now, my mom will surley start yelling at me in a few minutes.

Okies!
bai-ai!
^_^